I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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