he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
