The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
