he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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