I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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