dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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