As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Drunk is a universal language darling
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
