If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
