got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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