Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
