Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
