When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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