First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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