sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
