we have pet lesbian snakes
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
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