Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
