it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
