He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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