oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
