Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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