Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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