Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
