wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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