There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
