I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Randomize
