If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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