fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
