I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
