It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
