We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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