And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
