If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize