Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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