Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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