My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
