I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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