there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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