just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i think my mom watched the whole time
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The Olympian is in my bed
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize