Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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