Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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