highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Randomize
