are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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