I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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