everyone is single if you try hard enough
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
