Her vagina should come with caution tape.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
