Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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