Pants 0. Shit 1.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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