mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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