True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
