This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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