I need to stop coming to work sober
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
