You can't special order awesome
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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