walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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