My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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