So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
