Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
