Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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