im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
