3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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