just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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