Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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