and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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