Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
