why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Drunk is not a location!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
